THERE IS ONLY ONE OF THESE. NO 0 - Infinity.

THERE IS ONLY ONE OF THESE. NO 0 - Infinity.

( I hereby of sound mind and body declare that the true emotional content of this post will never be repeated again, For everything else I might not let you have this remains my only true inheritance to you. My only you.)

JUST ONE OF IT, ITS MY LIFE. SHE.

(EVEN) IF I DIE, STILL SOME FORM ME WILL LIVE ON, is the genereal feeling of this dying dazer to say, I observed Mr. JK, I listened hard. Yet the doubt is yet to die, even after my death. Don't let that be my TOMBSTONE.

She lives,
She will always live,
She cannot not live as long as I live.
I live forever and forever she will live,
I live for a moment and forver she will live,
For in her I have let it drip,
My little blip,
One, two and more blips,
Honest to her,
The rip's not for laughter,
So lets do more sips,
Of lost living alive.
We say it once more,
I live it yester moment,
She is my amore,
All but i vent,
For the venom is salive,
She exists to be Not RHYMEddddddddd.

<>

(Take a bow and sing for her)

Live for me O' Lovely thee,
Live for me for I have not met thee,
Live for me for I am the only me,
Live for me because I am yet to be.

Live for me, you are to be,
Live for me, you are the only me,
Live for me, you are You.

Ohh the lonely white dove !!!

Its been a while since, I have been here, skimming over the "missing years" conundrum by just a hair thin line.
Feels like I should have tidied up before guests came.

The Saturn song seems like a bad blog post to be at the top. Not really caring somehow isn't working so well, so I am thinking I should start caring a bit about myself and what's going to become of me. To hesitantly use a cliche here, "Noone's getting any younger"

Ohh the lonely white dove !!!.

Sold before 4:29, Concept of SAtUrn

Dilly dally, daffodil valley,
It wants to know who shot Mr Paulie,
Paulie and maybe sick you say,
Aft fact confessions are not the way,

Oh ok, sleep together naydie,
No, I layered the cake for baby,
Had no speak in wake for save,
Is it? it is all broken now,

Had me say too lolipop dove,
I wont sing a song no more,
valley drowning in crakling flow,
creeeping in like the morning glow,

dylan says its just song you know,
rhyming words wont cure your row,
sick for ever in a scarry home,
selling myself all to Tom's hrobksa B.

Thanks for listening to the music from SouledSalem.txt ## Slavok Tomb.

Ohh !!, the yearly non-ritual

Hello mE a.k.a mY Echo,

Its getting near, a incident that paces past me every year marking a certain degree of somethingness that has happened in my life. So here is it, staring from the end of the corridor as racing to it. I am just recording an event in life.

She went on with a cheery, shy smile to describe how she had got me a card and she would like to write me something.

Things that are wrong here;

Asking me how ( I did mean how and NOT what ) to write a card she is going to send to me.

Things good and pure here are described as my intellect would permit me.

She says

"Happy Birthday 24-09-2010 ?
good luck to you about next year, about life, parent happy you and sister have working good. you the company do good, you can get one month more money and not difficult for you."

She explains....

I hear it as

"Dear RECEIVER_NAME_REMOVED,

A very Happy Birthday to you this year.
All the very best and good luck to you in the coming year.
I wish the very best for you and your family.
I hope you are parents are happy to see your sister does her studies well and gets a good job. I hope your company does well and you can earn more and work is not as difficult to manage like the last year.

With Love,
SENDER_NAME_REMOVED"

Am I crazy or should i call this something worth preserving. I know my answer and it was surely just rhetorical. So to those things good and pure are;

It never should be a problem that expression is the only cause for communication breakdown. This is what it means to say "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"...

Tortured, yet glad I am not missing years now...

So, life seems to be pacing along, Fur Elise still remains unchanged, its significance and meaning however might have changed. I am listening to Moonlight sonata in C sharp as I write this post. Its just as painful and beautiful to the soul as Elise was...

Even though it has missed years and many moments in life perhaps this will remain as journal in how thing progressed for last few years...

Pain still remains a significant portion of my life, but i think it has gotten complicated enough now to be able to confuse all to whom i might want to discuss it with. There is a "She" now, and I don't want anymore of them in my life. I only want to know how to keep her happy and for once find that same happiness for myself that i wish for her.

I do think often about seeking "help", but perhaps help too is prejudicial in its availability. So why the facade? Why the facade in even recoding these most intimate of my moments with myself. I don't know and I am too damn tired to explore. I engorge the social offerings of the world to numb my senses and slow my thought. It simple physics really, if you take the physical world as an analogy for my mental being.

I stuff enough thrust with all the input around me, movies, television shows, irrelevant conversations, fleeting friendships too move myself along a vector different from my true nature. As long as the mind numbing vector of social niceties and expectations have their thrust i will not be dragged in inching along my original path. The true path of my subconscious. Perhaps not "healthy" but who cares, I am just glad even if it is the most temporary solution I have some way of escaping myself. I simple cannot be consumed with the reality of my mind. So i consciously and with much finesse use the worldly education to steer myself into the so called real world. I truly know the reality of the so called real world is the actual illusion. The reason its so comfortable to deal with the real world is because its tried and tested. There are norms, rules and proof of it going a certain way. Albeit the right way is a biggest question with very little as proof in its favor. This is not something i can say about my mind and the path it takes when let it truly be alive.

I have to keep my mind from waking up, So i numb it in all the ways i know. I try to hold on to a job. I try to mind altering experiences. The only problem is that I can never really truly dedicate myself to either world as much as i try.

I am torn and torn apart numerous times. Will there a be an escape someday ???

Thank for outlet.

The confidence that this may not be read unless i really expose it sufficiently gives me a bit of courage now. Perhaps i can let it unravel sometimes. I would to thank the person who invented the concept of weblogs.

Why am I blogging in odd years ?

I just noticed from my archives the site that I have missed out 2006 & 2008 entirely.

What does it really take for one to miss 2 years really?

I could go ahead and say, well, I did other things. "I met so and so at that new place", "I am the newly appointed X of Y" and most commonly the "I am the youngest A to do B". All of these may not be true and even $$$ could have been the answer but these in the famous words of Edward Norton as Tyler Durden/Narrator in the movie Fight Club, “these will blow over”. They represent the bell curve region well within the radar of the civilized society. You have got your crutches, ambulances, paramedics, social security, medical insurances, HMO, chicken or mutton soup for your soul, Deepak Chopra, Ferraris, Rolls Royces, Buddhism, Islamic Extremism, Bvlgari, Rolex, , cakes, sugar syrup, mochachacococatta with cream & low fat milk, coffee, cigarettes & nicorrettes. So why bother? Thanks for the low fat milk by the way.

The ones we should be looking at or are forced look at, as in my case, is the orphans on the extremes of the curve who are swimming against the tide and some don’t even have their prescription eye glasses with them. Well sure as hell they are the ones who don’t really know to swim. This segment probably are the prodigal children of the society. They go way out in to the deep end and create all that is both beautiful & ugly in this world as we see. They do all that and slip away. They are needed for the balance I suppose. Where am I on the curve and can the fact that I lost 2 years be justified by this.

Ohh All this loosing an year, Boo Hoo, I just was not blogging so that doesn’t mean anything I could have been doing other things. I am the broken record ???

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to bell curve lounge. Please keep your life meaningless enjoy the food and alcohol. We are ready for take off.

The Daffodil Alerts – Laugh like you mean it & only when you mean it.

You can see but you cannot touch is my most favourite among the 17 commandments (No guilt here). She has a mesmerizing, a loud, totally uninhibited, engaging and drawing smile. So sipping my cocoa i was sitting there for more than an hour just to get a good look at her face. I have already been seeing bits and pieces of it and that melodious smile has been ringing in my ear since i heard it the first time.

So it boils down to picking these alerts up. Moments that could form  the cornerstones in defining you life. I am sure everyone has their own honed mechanism to know when their daffodil alerts are coming through. If you don’t you are going to be missing a lot of it before you ever realise it. I am sitting there wondering how will i leave this place if the daffodil grew weary of smiling and finished conversing with its currently unknown yet crucial piece of the experience. The opponent here has to be given sufficient credit for in their absence I would have been able to sit and wonder as i did about the daffodil. I focus on a point in front of me, brushed aside all the thoughts and with ever so slight arrogant illusive notion of grandeur thought if i concentrated long enough i will able to hear the daffodil’s whisper. Despite the obvious fact that it was never going to possible for me to hear the whisper simply for physical reasons, I was willing to try it. You could say its because I didn’t have anything worthwhile to do. I would simply have to say its simply a unexamined answer from scared or preconditioned mind. I was pleased with the moment, simply because a seemingly innocuous incident has tripped me a bit.

I used to tell myself “I am ok, As along as i can smile to myself, I am ok”. lately there have been too many things that have been drowning me inside. This was a kiss on my cheek. I am going to be thanking “HER” for the daffodil and move on.

“Your are way out of your depth here boy/man/friend/buddy”, would be the common consensus from most people if i had cared to ask for an opinion and in their “infinite” wisdom and or the so perceived image that they project. This was soon proved right of course and surprisingly enough didn’t seem to bother me one tiny bit. I was pleased that i caught that alert and gave it its due notice.

The other parts of my life that were in throes of extinction didn’t change this feeling at all. That gave me strength, of what kind i do not know but it sure didn’t and I realized it. Looking to my next daffodil..

dreama - dreaming a drama

drum rolling should be a genre ..

i don't why i loose it before i get here

nothing is really worth thinking about let alone writing about unless its tugged on your strings, a little pain to tag that a worthy memory..

probably untrue.. but what is life without the truth of falsehood. i guess i can understand why intoxication helps imagination despite all the organically enhanced thought process and lifestyle that has been so rightly absorbed and propagated by our social standards commissions.. thats you and me .. or the advertising companies.. whatever the case may be.

i understand the overuse of the word prototype.. but hey whats the harm in imitation ..

Drum rolling stuff really picks me up. Even with all the negativity and skepticism, the drum rolling really picks me up.. should probably be something genetic i suppose...

the Bee movie .. even that did it for me ..

a collective oraganised society fighting to save their bla bla something precious "ism" ..

anyway .. so guess i punched out feeling insecure about my pretentiousness ..

Scripted Sauce !!! .. yet another ...

I, I, I ....

let me explain, I got into a "tangly loop" of trying to decide on how to start this post. whose obvious significance is that it has the burden of having to live up to a year or a maybe a tad bit more of missing time.

So here it goes,

it should start with

"good to be back", "borat got me writing", "i had to say this", "i couldn't keep quite after something likes this", "blog inventors", "narcissism", "don't mistake 1548 for the year" ... no stop... .. . .

so got back to the why, the 3rd rock, life in a glass jar, imitating sister and the four eyed magazine crunching mommy, nicotine stained fingernails, the painful knife thro heart about what she said , and so forth below. that got me thinking, i should be true to this post. maybe that'll make it worth the year. so i left the note below to explain the quoted, comma separated, almost nostalgic mentioning of few of my earlier posts from the past.

appropriately titled,

The Tangly Loop : A note to Self

[ as a note, in reality the tangly loop mentioned in the beginning of the post got "lost". sorry about quoting, i did it because it seemed clever, the quoting not the lie about my tangling causes. I have come to learn that it is kinda impolite to be doing quoting too often. still being to true myself mY.Echo n all . notice the missing quotes near mY.Echo. i am learning too, by imitation perhaps because i had to put the quotes around mY.Echo and take them off, realizing the point of this long wound boring statement that is ending now. About the tangly loop it got lost because by the time i got to blogger (no offense to service provided in any way, its plain physics or you could say law of nature; time exists. so thats the reason "by the time i got to blogger .... ") and started this beautiful post, that train of though that confused me so very much that i had to start my blog with "I, I, I .... " was lost. yeah i know the quotes :( ]

The Real Reason - "Scripted Sauce" inspiration from "Borat & New Beginnings".

I got to writing again. cause of the movie Borat, as u may have now realized the carefully place borat in the first few of my echoes above. The movie was amazing, i am gonna try and express why and how. the topic as it stands it too themed to be explored here as an "Echo" so it goes to "Scripted Sauce" @ http://scriptedsauce.blogspot.com

turn out the "The Real Reason ;) is publicity, trailer for Scripted Sauce" ..

;Error &^%$%^)@@336@#5#@@53QAS#@D@#@#3!@@!@!@ Matrix Profiling output >> Echoes extracting out of Persona [ MATRIX7-CXT-2007-SCOPE-GLOBAL-///Previsiuvic, Markov/// ] - 868788 frame blink. cause unknown.

1548 on a tuesday

the two unmbrellas standing as if in a trance and the half open blinds exposing the lush green outsides with a tinge of
summer yellow tells me that i am at the right place ...
"go let it out" flowing through the earphones does make the moment memorable ..


1.the umbrellas ..

hanging off a cliff ..
hanging by a thread
tom cruise hanging by his right hand
living a week on 5 dollars and 35 cents..

2.the green lush with summer yellow highlights

smelling red carpet
cold fusion
daughter who teaches me
history classes with lessons on "what is poverty?"
enrolled in school before circumcision

the umbrellas are behind me,barely .. but lush seems closer than ever before ..
i wouldn't ever think of the darkness again ..
i decide "to be" .. and let "not to be" a dream

learning by imitation

2 maybe 3 years old, no more than that..
she was running around the park bench like it was all she wanted to do ..
the elder one perhaps about 4 or 5 years older to her was doing the same ..

coming to think of it, she was the one who started it all..
asking her younger sibling to catch her..
she would run a while stop on the other side and motion to her sister to follow ..

after a little persuasion , she decided to go for it ..
they were at it for about a whole of 3 minutes .. and then elder one stopped .. sat next to her magazine crunching 4 eyed mommy .. waiting for her sister to catch up ..

now here's the kicker ... the little one finally came around to the side where her sister was sitting but didn't take a second look at her sister , whom she was so desperately chasing for a whole 4 minutes now.. or so we thought .. me and her elder sister .. she just kept on running around the bench ..

thats when it hit me .. she wasn't trying to catch her sister .. she was just imitating her ..
apparently thats how we learn ..

when i look at ...

slow music ... not too mellow .. with some beats ... and perhaps a guitar .. and a really deep voice singing.. that almost sounds like its a conversation ..

.. the post must start with the words "when i look at.." , like one of those essay questions on your english I exams in school ....

.. my life, my desk , my day , my pen , my knee , my broken nail ... something ..

i don't know why i can't write that one .. i am too worried about what some idealized character would say .. that i can never complete that sentence ... let alone an essay .. it only takes that first line .. where it opens .. then its just for you to read it... from where ever it is that you read things u write about ..

independent thought , maybe i take its definition too far out of context ..
yea , "too far out of context" should be my middle name , too long for a nick name ..
everything with Simon is too far out of context ..

idealized character , far from it .. its like they say "on a long enough time line the survival rate for everyone drops to zero " .. they meaning chuck palahniuk .. on a long enough train of thought everything would be too far out of context .. and in an open enough dialogue anything could be a prototype ..

i wish i could say all this started because i was staring at my broken nail .. that could have easily be made to mean something ..

thats what is missing, meaning ..
when i look at....anything ..

the unregistered

2000 was the last one, maybe i died and this is how it feels in the afterlife .
the last 4 years feel like nothing more than a single night. sure, one really long night .. but no more than that..
wake up and smell the routine .. this is life , i wish i could wake up ..
the thing is nothing ever sticks , it all drops off the next day , slides out of your mind ..
ofcourse, i can search and sift through my memory to remind myself of a few things and convince myself that it has been definitely more than a night. the calendar at the bottom right corner of the screen says 2005 and i could definitely recall atleast 2 hangovers, nobody gets two of those from one night ..it seems to have gained pace .. time, i mean. can't really say why , definitely doesn't make sense why it should. they always say that times flies when u are having fun, well thats another untrue assertion .. its all bits and pieces like uncoherent ramblings in a foreign tongue .. somewhat similar to these words.
noone ever understands
nobody was meant to understand
just you ..
for my own sake atleast i pertend i do , i mean understand ..

what did she say ?

Gleaming piece of metal, crafted by the finest blacksmith of some eastern country . .. Shiny, glowing even in the faintest of lights.. . It almost gives u a chill when u take it in ur hands, u can feel it at the back of ur neck as ur whole body gives a small wave of shivers .. gave me an uncontrollable urge to run my fingers over its blade .. starting from the base, right above the handle, i ran my finger over it ..smooth as silk .. when my hand was about an inch into its adventurous journey , it paused and i thought of closing my eyes .. was a little scared that i would hurt myself if i took my eyes off of it.. continuing to run my finger over it ... almost as i was another 3 inches away from that pause , my finger stopped again.. frozen without movement .. i couldn't believe my eyes .. it looked like it had dark brownish red sprinkles all over it .. there was barely any part of it where the silvery metal was visible .. i could smell the oxidised metal .. unevenly eroded, with no sign of what it was .. the shivers again, starting from the back of my neck .. i was afraid to move my finger .. it felt like if i moved in any direction .. the tiny pieces of red sprinkles, tiny and sharp would penetrate through my skin ...That smooth piece of magnificent metal all destroyed and corroded .. i lifted my finger carefully above without moving it sideways ....

she took it from my hands pointed it straight at me .. And started to move it in, fractions of an inch every second .. as i watched the brownish edgeless knife break my skin right above my left nipple .. staring at it with wide open eyes .. it wasn't a smooth stroke .. she had to wiggle it ...pull it back about half an inch and thrust it again .. knife is what it was .. its worn out edges uneven and powdery, it had to be moved in and out a few times for it to move further.. then it hit something .. a bone maybe ..it was a break in that trance moment .. she looked up at my face .. i was still looking at her clenched hands and the red with rust flowing down my chest ... "she stopped?" .. barely as that thought came to mind , i lifted my head up to look at her and immediately as if she knew i was looking up .. she shifted her eyes from my face .. pulled it back and thrust it in with all her might .. think i heard the corroded metal scrape against my bones .. i felt numb and motionless ...like my last breath was escaping .. and i was jus there to watch ...

oh yea .. as for the question ..
she said NO ..

Fur Elise

every single note .. makes a memory ...
it almost feels like its talking to you .. like a really heartfelt conversation .. hoping u would learn as much from it as it learns from you ... and as long as its playin it feels like u do understand what is being said ..
pity there aren't any words that could say what you heard or felt .. jus as the two minute playback ends .. it feels like u have something stuck in your chest .. and u need to take a long breath jus get ur heart to beat again ... so much to take in such a short time ...

everytime it plays , it pulls me out of a realm, almost as if its promising something more meaningful , pure and clearer than anything i have ever known or felt ... only to leave me in a painful dull silent monotony ...

its all i have ..

its all i have ...

the abstract writing .. .. abstract ideas .. those are all just the by products of fear .. fear that they might come true .. or even worse .. they might come true and might not be as magical as they seemed
..
a life full of them .. amounting to nothing more than a prototyped character from a bad book .. so we try to change them .. change them before they crystallize into the pages of our biography ... try to change them with illusion , imagination , experience , rationale .. but they loose their meaning when they are anything more than what they are ..

recalling .. depressive, antisocialist, unrealistic, imaginative, artistic, commercially untalented madmen .. a generation full of them ..

every word we write or every thought thats pops into our head, its all us .. the painting of the distorted clock or the flower pot , or the lonely house with white fences .. its all you .. even the brown charred skin on ur cigarette burned thigh .. is all you ..

the you, that was nothing more than blank pages ..
the you, that painted them black so nobody would see whats in them .. or ask you to describe them ..

the fear has changed me so much that i don't even see them anymore , don't wonder what they mean , don't spend time wondering if they would mean something in future.. or let them fall into my pages ..

i am too busy painting it black ..
from top to bottom,
inside out ..
its all black ..
painted black ..

they were all i had ,
they are all i have ..
i paint them black
my invisible dreams ..
its all i have ..

my ignorance is in you

ignorance is bliss, its the purity of ignorance that is bliss , .. how its innocence has more truth and beauty in it than colored judgments .. it is how u were meant to see the world . full of ignorance .. and to understand it as u saw .. not as u were told to see it .. or as they saw it ..

sitting in that chair waiting for her to cry out
i couldn help but feel deceived ,
like the victim of a horrible crime ..
thoughts are the endless waves in my mind
they rise and fall to show its alive
disturbed by the unknown and calmed by the same
i knew she would call out to me ..
but she didn't know.. she didn't know that i already was ..
calling out to her every moment ..
waitin to see what she did next ..
for here i am, watching you, watching with my mind still ,
watching every move you make , cause my ignorance is all gone ..
its all in you ..

its calm now ..
the storm is dead .. and i feel like am at peace ..
the battles, wars and the ones after they end ..
they have all been dealt with ..
everything is still but my cries ..
waiting to be heard by you ..
by my ignorant you ..

ignorance is bliss
if it weren't for you ..
my ignorant you ..
i wouldn't know what it is ..

the nicotine stained fingernail

the hours, minutes, and every breath,
countless in number, the count of my life,
single in itself, part of an endless weave,
dreams and droughts split by a thin edged knife,
it rides with me till i take my leave.

as light as the leaf of a weary oak,
that died in the next wind's casual stroke,
single breath dying, to give another its way,
granting me life for another day.
all its days, all its years,
surviving still by the single leaf.

(if) the leaf is what breathes life in me,
should its notice be taken so lightly ?
every single day the weave blends away,
weaving itself at my every sight.
the leaves, they fall and wither today,
like dreams that die at the break of light.

still as a lake on a full moon night,
i dreamt of an end, a peaceful flight.
soon it'll be day and my dream will fade,
now i see the leaves as they jade.

taking note of this breath i take,
staring at the painful trail,
shrugged myself from that dream awake,
to see my nicotine stained fingernail.

imagination - a narcissistic illusion ?

.. things untrue .. things surreal .. jus because they blurted out as i punched the keys ..

it is a scary thought that .. our imagination could be nothing more than what we have experieced .. or what our senses have realised ..there is no mind capable of true imagination or innovation...??

i think therefore i am .. if i understand correctly that means .. that my existence is validated and confirmed only by my thought .. and my consciousness of my being is the only real proof that i exist ..??

i dun know.. i dun really think i understood the full extent of what that means ..

our mind can't truly imagine it can only respond ?? ..
i am sure Determinists would agree with that theory.. how everything is jus cause and effect ..

Free will being no more than a romantic notion .. the illusive notion of a modern society to keep them hopeful in a post religious era ..??

existentialism is for another day ....!

the undead ...

...
morbid reality, sober when i cry
skillfully dismissive of everything rational

see before it dawns as it blooms before its dawn
sunshine is but a few hours away
but the wait is never to end today
convincing myself to believe in her
loathing myself for forgiving her
lay there humming the tune of life
with little faith in the faithful strife
....

god is dead ...

"faith is fatal" ...
i used to have that written in bold hanging on my notice board ..

don't really know why i let it hang there ..
when i wrote it...
it just felt like one of those subconscious things ..
like an abstract painting ..
like it really meant something to me ..

it says on wiki that it is often misunderstood what nietzche meant by "God is dead" .. "God" to him wasn't as literal as most people understood .. he was referrinng to end of faith in god or more precisely religious view of god .. with the emergence of science as an explantion of everything we see around us .. the faith in religion seemed obsolete.. so the madman came out crying "God is dead"...

reality check

simon had an lively childhood or so he thought everytime he would run the slides through his mind they seemed alrite .. perpetually motivating, unchallenged optimism.. it was all good ..
or maybe it was a jus a part of who he was .. his memories were never the same .. he knew it was the same for all of us .. he knew tht no memory is ever the same .. each passing minute the memories age, adjust,redefine and accomodate themselves to suit our new found frame of reference for the day.. frame of refereence ..a very important concept in defining any phenomenon.. he couldn't comprehend or rectify the void it left behind as it collapsed ... his frame of reference .. not as dramatic as it sounds . is very mellow and smooth process .. could even call it systematic if u consider things in a large enough scheme ..

she told him "it won't hurt u if u don't scare it " .. so he believed .. it bit him anyway ...he cried .. he cried as loud as his 4 year old lung would allow him to ..
it hurt him sure .. but i think it was the betrayal that hurt him more .. how it all collapsed .. so simon learned his first lesson on trust .. reality is not based on trust .. it based on how flawed and deceiving it is ..

defining moment in life

its never so definite.. you sitting on your couch, flipping channels, catchlight on your eyes .. as the camera zooms in .. tht never happens .. although its understandable why the idea of it being tht way can be romantically appealing... forgot what it is to have a dream .. to have dream and to have it come true means having to justify it to every dream that fell through .. or its perhaps jus an excuse ..!!!

endless echoes of a tortured mind !!

endlessly waiting .. for something close .. something near .. something u could smell but cannot feel ..
i wanted it to happen .. i needed it to happen .. the thought is overwhelming .. the guilt , the pain, sorrow ..and the unbelivably strong hatred towards myself ..

i wish i knew what it was .. i wish i knew how it was .. or what i could do about it ..

its not the same reasons that come to my mind everytime .. i am constantly searching .. searching for something that would validate, prove or disprove my reasons for what i feel ..

demise , destruction total annihilation.. those could free me from it .. disintegrated granular grey matter..??

i analyse , evaluate and reason with myself for every thoughful moment that i realise and aknowledge my existence .. it pains me to know that it might end fruitless

the longest road .. the road that does end ..will end .. and
the road where noone ever looks back ..
the road vanishing behind my every step..
the road that leads from everything to anything ..
the road that might not register my steps ..
the road that did not leave the steps of my predecessor ..
the road that encompasses everything and anything the tiny little matter of grey could comprehend..
the road ..the road .. the road ..

i know i don't remember it all .. it comes to me in flashes like a distant voice through the walls .. the voice from the other end of an endles hallway ..
music .. yes .. it sings to me too sometimes ..
tunes that i can't hear .. but i know are there ..

they ask me .. they tell me .. they guide me ..
they are joy , sorrow , reason , compassion , hatred and envy ..
they are everything i know of and they are everything i hear ..
i wish they would shut up .. stop and calm down ..
let me listen to things that i can hear ..
the walls .. the walls ..the walls ..

i can only feel it .. feel it music .. feel its words ..never audible ..but always echoing .. voices that could convince me of almost anything ..but their existence..!!!!

existence of life on the 3rd ROCK !!!

"i wish i could come back everyday from my thoroughly satisfying job , go for a jog , watch the BBC News , smile to myself as the news ended and think .. oh !! my whatever , its a wonderful life i have been blessed with and so let me go share it with the fellow residents of this planet .." .. said BlogInventor A..

then there was webLog !!

.. i jus can't bring myself to sit here and share with the Wierd Wide World , how i woke up and then i had to meet XY for brunch and how i got caught in traffic and how i ate my sandwich with my mouth open .. spilling sauce all over my new t-shirt i told u that i had recently bought [blog dated july 32nd 2004 A.D].

feels good to sound clever .. important, insightful .. like everything that goes inside that cranium of urs has a larger .. or perhaps the largest purpose than any other cranium u knew, saw or heard of ..

"narcissism is the source of existence on the third rock from the sun ..."

maybe thats what BlogInventor A said to himself ..

be nice !!!

yeah i know ... they taught me in school.. !!

it wasn't a bright sunny morning or a cool breezy one..it was sad, lonely and cold rainy morning .. dear mom and dad more exited than i was, to take their young offspring to a magical place , place where the "leeders" of morrow were made.. yeah first day at school .. they take pictures of the day , so that on a similar day in the future they would have something to talk about. how "he" faught with every fibre of his being not to go !!.

cried all the way !!..holding onto dad's hands , 'train of thought' or 'stream of consciousness' , concepts that would make u spend hours wondering about in another 13 to 14 years is a 404 at that age .. even as u r screaming vowels of pain,anguish,distress and discomfort , you find time to stomp across all the small puddles of water along the road ..!! it is a magnificent luxury to have an attention span so small that u could multi task your emotions so efficiently not because u want to but because u don't recognise them !!

.. wet mushy ground and a surprisingly upbeat surrounding , hundreds of people your size running around and jumping up and down, for a moment holding your daddy's hand u almost forget that half an hour ago u were crying u lungs out to stay the hell away from this very same place , yet the ego of a 4 year old is no way propotionate to his/her size or his/her age. its hard to admit u were wrong .. or its probably the fact that u don't know what the hell wrong or right is .. they haven't even taught u to spell tht damn thing yet ..

several minutes later by a swing ..
empty and swinging from recent activity.... in its vicinity would be a "kid in distress" .. belly down .. and head bobbing around to see if anyone noticed ..and slowly slithering through the mud and trying to get up .. !!
.. simple accident .. wet swing .. u sit on it .. u sometimes fall .. so i went, i saw, i sat, and then fell ... but didn cry !!

well .. about 10 minutes later i was found and rescued .. and had to spend the rest of the day half naked in a kitchen .. till my clothes dried ....

be nice !! yeah right !!!!!!!!!!!

so many things for people who ask "why ?" and so less to people who say "why ask ?" !!

no matter what i say .. no matter what i hear .. no matter how i hear or who tells it to me .. it never makes sense .. every moment of it .. every minute, second .. and then the hours and days ,. they all seem endlessly filled with question marks .?.?.

i do it over and over again .... i do it monday to friday and january to december .. one would think the abnormality of the situation should deter myself .. the extent to which it affects me is something i can not quantify for myself ..
i haven't read the book myself but have read about it , "FLATLANDERS" , a book about an universe or a system consisting only of 2 dimensional figures, i read that the books says that .. the flatlanders are so disturbed when a sphere shows up , and are unable to comprehend it, only for the reader to infer that the they just couldn't understand beyond what they were .. if that were the sad truth .. it truly is depressing to know !!

i wish i could say it and justify it .. irrefutable proof to the theory that our existense is only explained by our need to exist .. why isn't that reason enough to be ..

to be is to be ..
if that were so then why couldn't we attribute the same level of importance to "not to be" ..

never underestimate the predicatbility of stupidity !!!

tony's got a very good point there .. the one person other than an extremely thoughful and empowering on screen character that can actually realise the full extent of truth in that phrase is urself .. !! and that sure is true ..i guess it takes a quite a while before u can actually let go and starting bloggin what u really wanna say .. .. i hope i'll soon be there ..

dreams so real !!!!!

don't really wake up sweating or with a smile on my face ..its the sum total of the thoughts of a carefully constructed and socially pre-conditioned mind .. dreams so mundane , stale and lifeless that they almost seem real !!! ..

"putt the f**k and kill the sh$t for you ain't gonna get another chance"

not really a blog more like a blabb .. times when u have to say shit happens, it feels liberating to punch keys instead of thinking about it .. i know this isn't gonna last forever .. i know this is jus a passing phase .. yeah .. what isn't ?..

dark rooms and corner offices, that is how he described it to me .. summed it all up in 2 chunks, there is no rich,poor,smart,stupid,old,young.. it was jus the way u saw it coming ..i could feel better satisfaction out of reading the 14 pages of satre that i did manage to read.. student counsellors,"the succesful" ,therapists,uncle who doesn't give a shit, all of them could jus easily go ahead and say.. "don't let the bastards get u down ".. who are these bastards anyway ???

c.o.l.d !!!

Bad day at work ... !!!

Bad Day at a work !!
Reason they wouldn hire me again !!!!! .. and reason why i am starting to BLOG !!


-----Original Message-----
From: Colleague
To: Senior Employee
Cc: Me
Subject: RELOADED

hey so what about reloaded ... how was it ???
i read this review tht the movies sux bad..!! u guys watched it ??


-----Original Message-----
From: Senior Employee
To: Me
Cc: colleagues
Subject: RE: RELOADED

I say we should all boycott Part 3... calling this crap is an
understatement.
I'd rather there be only Part 1.


-----Original Message-----
From: Me
To: Senior Employee
Subject: RE: RELOADED

"you dun know wht the hell death is so why not die" .. that was the abstract of what socartes philosophised.... jus about the most stupid thing to most of those who are so magnificantly living their lives tryin to make it better every second.. there are those of us who lives our entire life without even asking or even wondering why we do the things we do and does it really matter..

in no way defending some half crack who spend 60 million to earn another triple score of that, the movie was made to make a few more of those to ask "why".. and it sure did its share i guess.. and to judge that in terms of the level of perfection of the third kick by Neo on the fourth scene is sad .. ppl jus do that.. both the movies express what the creators realised or are trying to, in the best possible way you could on a 70mm screen. watching the movie for any other reason than to satisy the sheer curiosity of why they asked the question and what they found out is pointless and in that case we should jus say matrix 1 was good.


"illusion,fantasy,dream and imagination are the only things that has bred this society from ages we know, nothing in life is real,nothing absolute. It as all made up by us, created, fabricated and put in a glass jar to suit our dreams, to visualise our illusions and imaginations. Most of these people are convinced enough to beleive in it and toil to improve that dream, to live for it and to perish without knowing how it feels to wake up in the middle of it , wanting so badly to know that it
was just a dream.."

this not the matrix but probably the average tuesday on jack's life...