endless echoes of a tortured mind !!

endlessly waiting .. for something close .. something near .. something u could smell but cannot feel ..
i wanted it to happen .. i needed it to happen .. the thought is overwhelming .. the guilt , the pain, sorrow ..and the unbelivably strong hatred towards myself ..

i wish i knew what it was .. i wish i knew how it was .. or what i could do about it ..

its not the same reasons that come to my mind everytime .. i am constantly searching .. searching for something that would validate, prove or disprove my reasons for what i feel ..

demise , destruction total annihilation.. those could free me from it .. disintegrated granular grey matter..??

i analyse , evaluate and reason with myself for every thoughful moment that i realise and aknowledge my existence .. it pains me to know that it might end fruitless

the longest road .. the road that does end ..will end .. and
the road where noone ever looks back ..
the road vanishing behind my every step..
the road that leads from everything to anything ..
the road that might not register my steps ..
the road that did not leave the steps of my predecessor ..
the road that encompasses everything and anything the tiny little matter of grey could comprehend..
the road ..the road .. the road ..

i know i don't remember it all .. it comes to me in flashes like a distant voice through the walls .. the voice from the other end of an endles hallway ..
music .. yes .. it sings to me too sometimes ..
tunes that i can't hear .. but i know are there ..

they ask me .. they tell me .. they guide me ..
they are joy , sorrow , reason , compassion , hatred and envy ..
they are everything i know of and they are everything i hear ..
i wish they would shut up .. stop and calm down ..
let me listen to things that i can hear ..
the walls .. the walls ..the walls ..

i can only feel it .. feel it music .. feel its words ..never audible ..but always echoing .. voices that could convince me of almost anything ..but their existence..!!!!