Tortured, yet glad I am not missing years now...

So, life seems to be pacing along, Fur Elise still remains unchanged, its significance and meaning however might have changed. I am listening to Moonlight sonata in C sharp as I write this post. Its just as painful and beautiful to the soul as Elise was...

Even though it has missed years and many moments in life perhaps this will remain as journal in how thing progressed for last few years...

Pain still remains a significant portion of my life, but i think it has gotten complicated enough now to be able to confuse all to whom i might want to discuss it with. There is a "She" now, and I don't want anymore of them in my life. I only want to know how to keep her happy and for once find that same happiness for myself that i wish for her.

I do think often about seeking "help", but perhaps help too is prejudicial in its availability. So why the facade? Why the facade in even recoding these most intimate of my moments with myself. I don't know and I am too damn tired to explore. I engorge the social offerings of the world to numb my senses and slow my thought. It simple physics really, if you take the physical world as an analogy for my mental being.

I stuff enough thrust with all the input around me, movies, television shows, irrelevant conversations, fleeting friendships too move myself along a vector different from my true nature. As long as the mind numbing vector of social niceties and expectations have their thrust i will not be dragged in inching along my original path. The true path of my subconscious. Perhaps not "healthy" but who cares, I am just glad even if it is the most temporary solution I have some way of escaping myself. I simple cannot be consumed with the reality of my mind. So i consciously and with much finesse use the worldly education to steer myself into the so called real world. I truly know the reality of the so called real world is the actual illusion. The reason its so comfortable to deal with the real world is because its tried and tested. There are norms, rules and proof of it going a certain way. Albeit the right way is a biggest question with very little as proof in its favor. This is not something i can say about my mind and the path it takes when let it truly be alive.

I have to keep my mind from waking up, So i numb it in all the ways i know. I try to hold on to a job. I try to mind altering experiences. The only problem is that I can never really truly dedicate myself to either world as much as i try.

I am torn and torn apart numerous times. Will there a be an escape someday ???

Thank for outlet.

The confidence that this may not be read unless i really expose it sufficiently gives me a bit of courage now. Perhaps i can let it unravel sometimes. I would to thank the person who invented the concept of weblogs.