its all i have ..

its all i have ...

the abstract writing .. .. abstract ideas .. those are all just the by products of fear .. fear that they might come true .. or even worse .. they might come true and might not be as magical as they seemed
..
a life full of them .. amounting to nothing more than a prototyped character from a bad book .. so we try to change them .. change them before they crystallize into the pages of our biography ... try to change them with illusion , imagination , experience , rationale .. but they loose their meaning when they are anything more than what they are ..

recalling .. depressive, antisocialist, unrealistic, imaginative, artistic, commercially untalented madmen .. a generation full of them ..

every word we write or every thought thats pops into our head, its all us .. the painting of the distorted clock or the flower pot , or the lonely house with white fences .. its all you .. even the brown charred skin on ur cigarette burned thigh .. is all you ..

the you, that was nothing more than blank pages ..
the you, that painted them black so nobody would see whats in them .. or ask you to describe them ..

the fear has changed me so much that i don't even see them anymore , don't wonder what they mean , don't spend time wondering if they would mean something in future.. or let them fall into my pages ..

i am too busy painting it black ..
from top to bottom,
inside out ..
its all black ..
painted black ..

they were all i had ,
they are all i have ..
i paint them black
my invisible dreams ..
its all i have ..

my ignorance is in you

ignorance is bliss, its the purity of ignorance that is bliss , .. how its innocence has more truth and beauty in it than colored judgments .. it is how u were meant to see the world . full of ignorance .. and to understand it as u saw .. not as u were told to see it .. or as they saw it ..

sitting in that chair waiting for her to cry out
i couldn help but feel deceived ,
like the victim of a horrible crime ..
thoughts are the endless waves in my mind
they rise and fall to show its alive
disturbed by the unknown and calmed by the same
i knew she would call out to me ..
but she didn't know.. she didn't know that i already was ..
calling out to her every moment ..
waitin to see what she did next ..
for here i am, watching you, watching with my mind still ,
watching every move you make , cause my ignorance is all gone ..
its all in you ..

its calm now ..
the storm is dead .. and i feel like am at peace ..
the battles, wars and the ones after they end ..
they have all been dealt with ..
everything is still but my cries ..
waiting to be heard by you ..
by my ignorant you ..

ignorance is bliss
if it weren't for you ..
my ignorant you ..
i wouldn't know what it is ..

the nicotine stained fingernail

the hours, minutes, and every breath,
countless in number, the count of my life,
single in itself, part of an endless weave,
dreams and droughts split by a thin edged knife,
it rides with me till i take my leave.

as light as the leaf of a weary oak,
that died in the next wind's casual stroke,
single breath dying, to give another its way,
granting me life for another day.
all its days, all its years,
surviving still by the single leaf.

(if) the leaf is what breathes life in me,
should its notice be taken so lightly ?
every single day the weave blends away,
weaving itself at my every sight.
the leaves, they fall and wither today,
like dreams that die at the break of light.

still as a lake on a full moon night,
i dreamt of an end, a peaceful flight.
soon it'll be day and my dream will fade,
now i see the leaves as they jade.

taking note of this breath i take,
staring at the painful trail,
shrugged myself from that dream awake,
to see my nicotine stained fingernail.

imagination - a narcissistic illusion ?

.. things untrue .. things surreal .. jus because they blurted out as i punched the keys ..

it is a scary thought that .. our imagination could be nothing more than what we have experieced .. or what our senses have realised ..there is no mind capable of true imagination or innovation...??

i think therefore i am .. if i understand correctly that means .. that my existence is validated and confirmed only by my thought .. and my consciousness of my being is the only real proof that i exist ..??

i dun know.. i dun really think i understood the full extent of what that means ..

our mind can't truly imagine it can only respond ?? ..
i am sure Determinists would agree with that theory.. how everything is jus cause and effect ..

Free will being no more than a romantic notion .. the illusive notion of a modern society to keep them hopeful in a post religious era ..??

existentialism is for another day ....!

the undead ...

...
morbid reality, sober when i cry
skillfully dismissive of everything rational

see before it dawns as it blooms before its dawn
sunshine is but a few hours away
but the wait is never to end today
convincing myself to believe in her
loathing myself for forgiving her
lay there humming the tune of life
with little faith in the faithful strife
....

god is dead ...

"faith is fatal" ...
i used to have that written in bold hanging on my notice board ..

don't really know why i let it hang there ..
when i wrote it...
it just felt like one of those subconscious things ..
like an abstract painting ..
like it really meant something to me ..

it says on wiki that it is often misunderstood what nietzche meant by "God is dead" .. "God" to him wasn't as literal as most people understood .. he was referrinng to end of faith in god or more precisely religious view of god .. with the emergence of science as an explantion of everything we see around us .. the faith in religion seemed obsolete.. so the madman came out crying "God is dead"...

reality check

simon had an lively childhood or so he thought everytime he would run the slides through his mind they seemed alrite .. perpetually motivating, unchallenged optimism.. it was all good ..
or maybe it was a jus a part of who he was .. his memories were never the same .. he knew it was the same for all of us .. he knew tht no memory is ever the same .. each passing minute the memories age, adjust,redefine and accomodate themselves to suit our new found frame of reference for the day.. frame of refereence ..a very important concept in defining any phenomenon.. he couldn't comprehend or rectify the void it left behind as it collapsed ... his frame of reference .. not as dramatic as it sounds . is very mellow and smooth process .. could even call it systematic if u consider things in a large enough scheme ..

she told him "it won't hurt u if u don't scare it " .. so he believed .. it bit him anyway ...he cried .. he cried as loud as his 4 year old lung would allow him to ..
it hurt him sure .. but i think it was the betrayal that hurt him more .. how it all collapsed .. so simon learned his first lesson on trust .. reality is not based on trust .. it based on how flawed and deceiving it is ..

defining moment in life

its never so definite.. you sitting on your couch, flipping channels, catchlight on your eyes .. as the camera zooms in .. tht never happens .. although its understandable why the idea of it being tht way can be romantically appealing... forgot what it is to have a dream .. to have dream and to have it come true means having to justify it to every dream that fell through .. or its perhaps jus an excuse ..!!!

endless echoes of a tortured mind !!

endlessly waiting .. for something close .. something near .. something u could smell but cannot feel ..
i wanted it to happen .. i needed it to happen .. the thought is overwhelming .. the guilt , the pain, sorrow ..and the unbelivably strong hatred towards myself ..

i wish i knew what it was .. i wish i knew how it was .. or what i could do about it ..

its not the same reasons that come to my mind everytime .. i am constantly searching .. searching for something that would validate, prove or disprove my reasons for what i feel ..

demise , destruction total annihilation.. those could free me from it .. disintegrated granular grey matter..??

i analyse , evaluate and reason with myself for every thoughful moment that i realise and aknowledge my existence .. it pains me to know that it might end fruitless

the longest road .. the road that does end ..will end .. and
the road where noone ever looks back ..
the road vanishing behind my every step..
the road that leads from everything to anything ..
the road that might not register my steps ..
the road that did not leave the steps of my predecessor ..
the road that encompasses everything and anything the tiny little matter of grey could comprehend..
the road ..the road .. the road ..

i know i don't remember it all .. it comes to me in flashes like a distant voice through the walls .. the voice from the other end of an endles hallway ..
music .. yes .. it sings to me too sometimes ..
tunes that i can't hear .. but i know are there ..

they ask me .. they tell me .. they guide me ..
they are joy , sorrow , reason , compassion , hatred and envy ..
they are everything i know of and they are everything i hear ..
i wish they would shut up .. stop and calm down ..
let me listen to things that i can hear ..
the walls .. the walls ..the walls ..

i can only feel it .. feel it music .. feel its words ..never audible ..but always echoing .. voices that could convince me of almost anything ..but their existence..!!!!

existence of life on the 3rd ROCK !!!

"i wish i could come back everyday from my thoroughly satisfying job , go for a jog , watch the BBC News , smile to myself as the news ended and think .. oh !! my whatever , its a wonderful life i have been blessed with and so let me go share it with the fellow residents of this planet .." .. said BlogInventor A..

then there was webLog !!

.. i jus can't bring myself to sit here and share with the Wierd Wide World , how i woke up and then i had to meet XY for brunch and how i got caught in traffic and how i ate my sandwich with my mouth open .. spilling sauce all over my new t-shirt i told u that i had recently bought [blog dated july 32nd 2004 A.D].

feels good to sound clever .. important, insightful .. like everything that goes inside that cranium of urs has a larger .. or perhaps the largest purpose than any other cranium u knew, saw or heard of ..

"narcissism is the source of existence on the third rock from the sun ..."

maybe thats what BlogInventor A said to himself ..

be nice !!!

yeah i know ... they taught me in school.. !!

it wasn't a bright sunny morning or a cool breezy one..it was sad, lonely and cold rainy morning .. dear mom and dad more exited than i was, to take their young offspring to a magical place , place where the "leeders" of morrow were made.. yeah first day at school .. they take pictures of the day , so that on a similar day in the future they would have something to talk about. how "he" faught with every fibre of his being not to go !!.

cried all the way !!..holding onto dad's hands , 'train of thought' or 'stream of consciousness' , concepts that would make u spend hours wondering about in another 13 to 14 years is a 404 at that age .. even as u r screaming vowels of pain,anguish,distress and discomfort , you find time to stomp across all the small puddles of water along the road ..!! it is a magnificent luxury to have an attention span so small that u could multi task your emotions so efficiently not because u want to but because u don't recognise them !!

.. wet mushy ground and a surprisingly upbeat surrounding , hundreds of people your size running around and jumping up and down, for a moment holding your daddy's hand u almost forget that half an hour ago u were crying u lungs out to stay the hell away from this very same place , yet the ego of a 4 year old is no way propotionate to his/her size or his/her age. its hard to admit u were wrong .. or its probably the fact that u don't know what the hell wrong or right is .. they haven't even taught u to spell tht damn thing yet ..

several minutes later by a swing ..
empty and swinging from recent activity.... in its vicinity would be a "kid in distress" .. belly down .. and head bobbing around to see if anyone noticed ..and slowly slithering through the mud and trying to get up .. !!
.. simple accident .. wet swing .. u sit on it .. u sometimes fall .. so i went, i saw, i sat, and then fell ... but didn cry !!

well .. about 10 minutes later i was found and rescued .. and had to spend the rest of the day half naked in a kitchen .. till my clothes dried ....

be nice !! yeah right !!!!!!!!!!!

so many things for people who ask "why ?" and so less to people who say "why ask ?" !!

no matter what i say .. no matter what i hear .. no matter how i hear or who tells it to me .. it never makes sense .. every moment of it .. every minute, second .. and then the hours and days ,. they all seem endlessly filled with question marks .?.?.

i do it over and over again .... i do it monday to friday and january to december .. one would think the abnormality of the situation should deter myself .. the extent to which it affects me is something i can not quantify for myself ..
i haven't read the book myself but have read about it , "FLATLANDERS" , a book about an universe or a system consisting only of 2 dimensional figures, i read that the books says that .. the flatlanders are so disturbed when a sphere shows up , and are unable to comprehend it, only for the reader to infer that the they just couldn't understand beyond what they were .. if that were the sad truth .. it truly is depressing to know !!

i wish i could say it and justify it .. irrefutable proof to the theory that our existense is only explained by our need to exist .. why isn't that reason enough to be ..

to be is to be ..
if that were so then why couldn't we attribute the same level of importance to "not to be" ..

never underestimate the predicatbility of stupidity !!!

tony's got a very good point there .. the one person other than an extremely thoughful and empowering on screen character that can actually realise the full extent of truth in that phrase is urself .. !! and that sure is true ..i guess it takes a quite a while before u can actually let go and starting bloggin what u really wanna say .. .. i hope i'll soon be there ..

dreams so real !!!!!

don't really wake up sweating or with a smile on my face ..its the sum total of the thoughts of a carefully constructed and socially pre-conditioned mind .. dreams so mundane , stale and lifeless that they almost seem real !!! ..

"putt the f**k and kill the sh$t for you ain't gonna get another chance"

not really a blog more like a blabb .. times when u have to say shit happens, it feels liberating to punch keys instead of thinking about it .. i know this isn't gonna last forever .. i know this is jus a passing phase .. yeah .. what isn't ?..

dark rooms and corner offices, that is how he described it to me .. summed it all up in 2 chunks, there is no rich,poor,smart,stupid,old,young.. it was jus the way u saw it coming ..i could feel better satisfaction out of reading the 14 pages of satre that i did manage to read.. student counsellors,"the succesful" ,therapists,uncle who doesn't give a shit, all of them could jus easily go ahead and say.. "don't let the bastards get u down ".. who are these bastards anyway ???

c.o.l.d !!!

Bad day at work ... !!!

Bad Day at a work !!
Reason they wouldn hire me again !!!!! .. and reason why i am starting to BLOG !!


-----Original Message-----
From: Colleague
To: Senior Employee
Cc: Me
Subject: RELOADED

hey so what about reloaded ... how was it ???
i read this review tht the movies sux bad..!! u guys watched it ??


-----Original Message-----
From: Senior Employee
To: Me
Cc: colleagues
Subject: RE: RELOADED

I say we should all boycott Part 3... calling this crap is an
understatement.
I'd rather there be only Part 1.


-----Original Message-----
From: Me
To: Senior Employee
Subject: RE: RELOADED

"you dun know wht the hell death is so why not die" .. that was the abstract of what socartes philosophised.... jus about the most stupid thing to most of those who are so magnificantly living their lives tryin to make it better every second.. there are those of us who lives our entire life without even asking or even wondering why we do the things we do and does it really matter..

in no way defending some half crack who spend 60 million to earn another triple score of that, the movie was made to make a few more of those to ask "why".. and it sure did its share i guess.. and to judge that in terms of the level of perfection of the third kick by Neo on the fourth scene is sad .. ppl jus do that.. both the movies express what the creators realised or are trying to, in the best possible way you could on a 70mm screen. watching the movie for any other reason than to satisy the sheer curiosity of why they asked the question and what they found out is pointless and in that case we should jus say matrix 1 was good.


"illusion,fantasy,dream and imagination are the only things that has bred this society from ages we know, nothing in life is real,nothing absolute. It as all made up by us, created, fabricated and put in a glass jar to suit our dreams, to visualise our illusions and imaginations. Most of these people are convinced enough to beleive in it and toil to improve that dream, to live for it and to perish without knowing how it feels to wake up in the middle of it , wanting so badly to know that it
was just a dream.."

this not the matrix but probably the average tuesday on jack's life...