1548 on a tuesday

the two unmbrellas standing as if in a trance and the half open blinds exposing the lush green outsides with a tinge of
summer yellow tells me that i am at the right place ...
"go let it out" flowing through the earphones does make the moment memorable ..


1.the umbrellas ..

hanging off a cliff ..
hanging by a thread
tom cruise hanging by his right hand
living a week on 5 dollars and 35 cents..

2.the green lush with summer yellow highlights

smelling red carpet
cold fusion
daughter who teaches me
history classes with lessons on "what is poverty?"
enrolled in school before circumcision

the umbrellas are behind me,barely .. but lush seems closer than ever before ..
i wouldn't ever think of the darkness again ..
i decide "to be" .. and let "not to be" a dream

learning by imitation

2 maybe 3 years old, no more than that..
she was running around the park bench like it was all she wanted to do ..
the elder one perhaps about 4 or 5 years older to her was doing the same ..

coming to think of it, she was the one who started it all..
asking her younger sibling to catch her..
she would run a while stop on the other side and motion to her sister to follow ..

after a little persuasion , she decided to go for it ..
they were at it for about a whole of 3 minutes .. and then elder one stopped .. sat next to her magazine crunching 4 eyed mommy .. waiting for her sister to catch up ..

now here's the kicker ... the little one finally came around to the side where her sister was sitting but didn't take a second look at her sister , whom she was so desperately chasing for a whole 4 minutes now.. or so we thought .. me and her elder sister .. she just kept on running around the bench ..

thats when it hit me .. she wasn't trying to catch her sister .. she was just imitating her ..
apparently thats how we learn ..

when i look at ...

slow music ... not too mellow .. with some beats ... and perhaps a guitar .. and a really deep voice singing.. that almost sounds like its a conversation ..

.. the post must start with the words "when i look at.." , like one of those essay questions on your english I exams in school ....

.. my life, my desk , my day , my pen , my knee , my broken nail ... something ..

i don't know why i can't write that one .. i am too worried about what some idealized character would say .. that i can never complete that sentence ... let alone an essay .. it only takes that first line .. where it opens .. then its just for you to read it... from where ever it is that you read things u write about ..

independent thought , maybe i take its definition too far out of context ..
yea , "too far out of context" should be my middle name , too long for a nick name ..
everything with Simon is too far out of context ..

idealized character , far from it .. its like they say "on a long enough time line the survival rate for everyone drops to zero " .. they meaning chuck palahniuk .. on a long enough train of thought everything would be too far out of context .. and in an open enough dialogue anything could be a prototype ..

i wish i could say all this started because i was staring at my broken nail .. that could have easily be made to mean something ..

thats what is missing, meaning ..
when i look at....anything ..

the unregistered

2000 was the last one, maybe i died and this is how it feels in the afterlife .
the last 4 years feel like nothing more than a single night. sure, one really long night .. but no more than that..
wake up and smell the routine .. this is life , i wish i could wake up ..
the thing is nothing ever sticks , it all drops off the next day , slides out of your mind ..
ofcourse, i can search and sift through my memory to remind myself of a few things and convince myself that it has been definitely more than a night. the calendar at the bottom right corner of the screen says 2005 and i could definitely recall atleast 2 hangovers, nobody gets two of those from one night ..it seems to have gained pace .. time, i mean. can't really say why , definitely doesn't make sense why it should. they always say that times flies when u are having fun, well thats another untrue assertion .. its all bits and pieces like uncoherent ramblings in a foreign tongue .. somewhat similar to these words.
noone ever understands
nobody was meant to understand
just you ..
for my own sake atleast i pertend i do , i mean understand ..

what did she say ?

Gleaming piece of metal, crafted by the finest blacksmith of some eastern country . .. Shiny, glowing even in the faintest of lights.. . It almost gives u a chill when u take it in ur hands, u can feel it at the back of ur neck as ur whole body gives a small wave of shivers .. gave me an uncontrollable urge to run my fingers over its blade .. starting from the base, right above the handle, i ran my finger over it ..smooth as silk .. when my hand was about an inch into its adventurous journey , it paused and i thought of closing my eyes .. was a little scared that i would hurt myself if i took my eyes off of it.. continuing to run my finger over it ... almost as i was another 3 inches away from that pause , my finger stopped again.. frozen without movement .. i couldn't believe my eyes .. it looked like it had dark brownish red sprinkles all over it .. there was barely any part of it where the silvery metal was visible .. i could smell the oxidised metal .. unevenly eroded, with no sign of what it was .. the shivers again, starting from the back of my neck .. i was afraid to move my finger .. it felt like if i moved in any direction .. the tiny pieces of red sprinkles, tiny and sharp would penetrate through my skin ...That smooth piece of magnificent metal all destroyed and corroded .. i lifted my finger carefully above without moving it sideways ....

she took it from my hands pointed it straight at me .. And started to move it in, fractions of an inch every second .. as i watched the brownish edgeless knife break my skin right above my left nipple .. staring at it with wide open eyes .. it wasn't a smooth stroke .. she had to wiggle it ...pull it back about half an inch and thrust it again .. knife is what it was .. its worn out edges uneven and powdery, it had to be moved in and out a few times for it to move further.. then it hit something .. a bone maybe ..it was a break in that trance moment .. she looked up at my face .. i was still looking at her clenched hands and the red with rust flowing down my chest ... "she stopped?" .. barely as that thought came to mind , i lifted my head up to look at her and immediately as if she knew i was looking up .. she shifted her eyes from my face .. pulled it back and thrust it in with all her might .. think i heard the corroded metal scrape against my bones .. i felt numb and motionless ...like my last breath was escaping .. and i was jus there to watch ...

oh yea .. as for the question ..
she said NO ..

Fur Elise

every single note .. makes a memory ...
it almost feels like its talking to you .. like a really heartfelt conversation .. hoping u would learn as much from it as it learns from you ... and as long as its playin it feels like u do understand what is being said ..
pity there aren't any words that could say what you heard or felt .. jus as the two minute playback ends .. it feels like u have something stuck in your chest .. and u need to take a long breath jus get ur heart to beat again ... so much to take in such a short time ...

everytime it plays , it pulls me out of a realm, almost as if its promising something more meaningful , pure and clearer than anything i have ever known or felt ... only to leave me in a painful dull silent monotony ...